In life we are faced with many decisions. One of the hardest decisions to make is probably the choice of a life partner. Should I say yes or no or just pass on, don?t return. Yes, I?m talking about arranged marriages. Love marriages are different. Mostly, you wouldn?t think about choosing a better lover each time you walked into a relationship and were on the brink of making a marriage decision. But arranged marriages are different, right?
I wouldn?t know the exact answer, though I?d like to speculate. The difficult part is not finding a girl or a boy but on deciding whether this is the right person or is there someone better. Now, there are a lot of other things as well that go into a good arranged marriage just like a lot of different ingredients make the mangalorean curry tasty. Everything depends on what goes in the recipe, that?s what gives the flavor and the aroma and the insatiable delight of savoring it.
A few decades ago, marriages were arranged by the elders of the family with little or no say from the groom and bride in question. Today, things are different. Even with arranged marriages, the eligible candidate gets the right of choice. Now, that is very essential. It is not good to get into a marital relationship where either of the candidates has second thoughts. This can be disastrous. I have seen parents forcing children to tie the knot even when they are not ready. This will only cause unnecessary harm. Sometimes, some parents will force their son/daughter to marry someone else when in fact they are seeing and being intimate with a third person, just because they don?t like the other. This only worsens the situation. So many marriages breakup because of this. Remember, it is not only your child?s life that you mess but also another person?s, even though the other person might be innocent and unaware of the underlying threat.
I know of one mangalorean girl who innocently married this mangalorean boy, without knowing what marriage had in store for her. Happens to be that this boy had a girlfriend before marriage, was forced to have an arranged marriage and continued having an affair with his lady friend. What shocked me most, was that her in-laws, later joined the boy and harassed this girl so badly, till today she is shaken up. She never suspected her husband when he used to be late from work everyday and for a year they were married, until she found out. Today, she is annulled. What is her fault? She is beautiful, tall, graceful and decent. Did she deserve this? I cannot imagine what kind of monsters such kinds of people are. Why spoil another person?s life?
Sometimes, the candidates themselves are involved along with their parents. You will typically see this when the bride is in India and the groom is abroad. They want to make a good catch, never mind how many fish are there in their net already. Now this incident really shocked me and it may be an eye-opener to many of you bachelors who are in US or elsewhere planning to find a soul mate in India. I never imagined this but things like this do happen. My brother was looking for a girl in India. He was interested in finding an engineer since he is also one. So, here we go.
While I went to church one day, I meet one of my mangalorean classmates, Deena with her cousin Emma. I have changed names to protect the identity of persons involved. Now Emma turns out to be a pretty girl and a computer engineer. So, guess what, later that day, I call Deena and get Emma?s details. Now, I tell my brother Brad about it. Brad talks to Emma over the phone and she specifically requests that he come see her alone. Anyway, I decide to go with him. Thank God a million times. When we land at her location, we cannot find her home. It?s a very dilapidated area with lots of little houses, sort of like slums/chawls and we find ourselves lost in a place we have never seen before. Somehow we manage to find her house after much wandering. It is a tiny chawl, furnished inside, probably better than the others around. They greet us and then the girl offers some ?Badam milk? and some sweets. She says ? Guess what,I made these specially for you only?. We drink it innocently and then it starts. I think it was some mind- altering sedative. I feel tongue-tied and helpless, sitting and watching. Brad starts talking too much and says bad things about our dad, even though our dad is a good person.
Emma says, ?Oh, You know, I know a lot of bad words in different languages, let me show you. I can use these on my in-laws (your parents)? Then, she rattles on, talking junk. I have never seen anyone so ill mannered or disgraceful. Yet, all that time, I sat there and stared. Her mother is the only other who talks. Her father sits and stares just like me. She has a sister she says who?s had a broken marriage or something like that. We finally say goodbye and only the girl comes to walk us till the main street.
Strange and unusual for an arranged proposal, where usually one of the parents volunteer to do the same. We come home and I am still silent, not saying a word about it to my mom or dad, until the next day. Usually, I would have to talk and talk.Something?s wrong. Meanwhile, Brad decides he likes her and plans to move on. Now, the next day, just before he is about to continue things, the effect of ?the whatever? they gave, dies down. You know why? Because, I pray to God. I am not boasting. Prayers shield you from evil. I?m lying on my bed and all of a sudden, I just start crying and telling my mother everything. I mean everything that happened in complete detail. And then, I only keep saying one thing. Go meet my neighbor. She knows the answers. I force my mother to go and she does. My good neighbor gathers from her contacts the most critical information. This girl already has a boyfriend, some person of another caste and she is still going steady with him and she is a girl with a bad character. The other news we gather is that her father came to check on Brad and finding out that Brad is a simple and much loved by everyone person, he wanted to further it. We put an end to it.
Imagine what could have happened. I shudder to think. Truly, we need God?s grace in everything. I had to mention the whole incident, so that it proves as a warning for simpleminded boys and their families, to watch out. I hope my sharing of this experience helps.
Coming back to the main topic, there is nothing wrong with arranged marriages. The only advice is ?Caution?. Watch for warning signs and signals and most of all pray to God. He knows and sees everything. Always talk to the other party. Never go alone at the first meeting unless you know the family too well. Find out if you have interests in common. If you plan to continue, mention not only your assets but also your liabilities. Try to get to know each other well before you make that big step. Once, you take that step, there is no turning back. You want your marriage to last; only you can make sure that it does. There are no guaranties but with risk comes reward. Only see that the risk is not so great as to result in zero or negative returns.
Brides and grooms let the choice be yours. Make the most of it.
Author: Shania Fernandes- USA