Just say it
One glance around and it is evident that most problems encountered by people are caused by a lack of openness in speaking out one’s feelings freely without being judged or ridiculed. The number of people facing mental health problems is only rising, notwithstanding the availability of various means of communication.
The phrase ‘Just Say It’ sounds like a famous shoemaker’s popular ad line ‘Just Do It’ but seems easier – remember the line ‘It is easier said than done’? Yet, how easy is it to say what we need to, at the time it must be said?
I happened to read a list of things that are suggested to be said to a person who is dying – I forgive you, I love you, I am grateful to you, please forgive me, and similar others. Likewise, many good things are said about and to the employee who is quitting, at the farewell, at times surprising them. Do we need to wait for the ultimate moment to say the right things? Not, because things left unsaid are best forgotten for good as they tend to lose relevance after the moment, the result of which can be a sense of incompleteness in a relationship, apart from frustration, lost opportunities, and even bruised feelings.
The courage to speak out is an off-shoot of assertiveness, but one need not wait to become perfectly assertive to do so – for there is simply no such thing as ‘perfectly assertive.’ Sincerity is key to boldness in communication.
Expressing our feelings directly and openly, at the workplace, clears the air for a better exchange of thoughts between colleagues or even between a manager and his subordinate. Misunderstandings are prevented from taking root, and relationships become stronger. In personal life, open communication brings people closer and increases bonding between individuals, even where total strangers are involved.
When someone is rude to us, we just need to give them frank feedback that their bad behavior is unacceptable to us – because it is demeaning, disrespectful and makes us uncomfortable. This is better than silently brooding over how hurt we are, how unfair it is, and so on, because the negative energy that builds up can gradually affect our personality and hence our relationships with others also, thus damaging our present and future irreversibly.
Speaking out in the right way and at the right time stops others from taking us for granted, be it at our place of work or in our personal life.
I remember how years ago my senior manager challenged my request for study leave, saying he didn’t believe me. I recall how I looked him in his eyes and said I didn’t care if he didn’t believe me because I believed in myself. Soon, I followed this statement with the marks sheet stating I had completed the course for which I had taken leave. That seemed to work; a similar situation never arose. To this day, it remains to me, an example of how one should not have to fear anyone when one is honest and truthful.
Each confident response adds to our resilience to tackle more challenging situations – after all, a long journey is completed with many small steps.
When our house was being constructed, my daughter was very young and still in primary school but my instruction to speak out honestly had impressed on her young mind. When the teacher asked her for some work which she had not completed as she was helping us, she boldly answered she was cleaning up the house the previous evening. The teacher reported it to me the next time I met her, and I said it was true. The teacher was dazed because she had assumed the child was lying as she could not imagine a young girl helping around the house.
Post that incident, my daughter has been able to talk to several seniors and elders, even in situations where people double her age have fumbled or found it easy to give in. To this day, negotiations and bargaining come easy to her even in seemingly difficult circumstances.
The thumb rule in speaking out fearlessly for oneself, however, is to be genuine, yet courteous. In standing up for ourselves, we should never put others down – the latter leads to erosion of respect and in turn to resentment and alienation, defeating the very purpose for which the dialogue began in the first place.
Going back to the subject of sharing good feedback, we must regularly make the time to convey our joyful feelings like happiness, gratitude, and appreciation, for doing so fosters better rapport amongst people across all barriers, and healthy relationships thrive on such happy feelings. It is noteworthy that when good things are exchanged every now and then, sharing the not-so-good tidings becomes easy. This is extremely helpful in a professional context; it is the golden mantra in parenting where communication often takes the backseat for want of a friendly atmosphere. When appreciation is shared freely, apprehensions can be discussed freely as well.
Saying what we feel may not necessarily get the right result always, but it does make us feel good about ourselves, which is the first step to building fruitful and rewarding relationships with others.
