The Venomed Heart
The look on his face was one of disbelief and utter shock mixed with pain. He was breathing his last breath, but I was filled with a strange sense of peace. The fake look of love that he was giving me now would not change anything. He was dying…. And with his death the sleepless nights… the unstoppable tears… the guilt… the fear of rejection… of deceit would all be washed away.
I was right and so was my mother. All men were Bastards… It just took me a long time to realize it. There lay my husband writhing in pain, breathing his last breath. It was just a matter of minutes before the poison I had mixed in his favourite “last” cup of coffee would consume him completely and he would be gone forever.
I would be alone, free but a part of me still wished that this didn’t have had to happen. How could I feel sorry for him? Two years of the love, trust, faith that I had showered on him and all I had got in return was betrayal and infidelity. I had been blinded, but I had done the right thing. There was not an ounce of guilt in me as I whispered, “I LOVE YOU” and called for an ambulance confident that it would be too late anyway.
As I sat down and relaxed on the Couch, my mind went back to the day Siddharth had come into my life. I was twenty-eight then. Working as a Professor of Mathematics at the University of Bangalore. Professionally I was a successful career Woman who was a whizz at my subject. But personally, my life was a mess. My home was a broken one. My Father had left my mother for another woman when I was a five-year-old kid. I ended up distrusting everyone except my mother, learning to be cold, calculative, withdrawn and shy. I strived hard in life learning to fight against the odds of the world around fending for my mother and me.
Siddharth would watch me every day out of the corner of his eye in the bus stand as we took the same bus to our workplaces. Though I never ever had a desire to even give a man a second look there was something about this Ordinary looking Man with the kind loving eyes, which seemed to pierce through my thoughts, but I was too stubborn to even reciprocate his gazes with mine.
But destiny had something else in store for us. One evening I returned home from work to find Siddharth sitting in my living room enjoying a cup of coffee with my mother. Though at first my mother had bluntly refused to let him into our home, Siddharth had convinced her to let him talk. During the course of his conversation, he confessed to her that he had fallen madly in love with me, had found out everything about us and asked for my hand in marriage. He was an orphan and had lost his parents in a car accident. He had been brought up by his grandfather who had died a few years ago and he had no one to call his own. Though I wanted to say that I was not ready for a marriage, something about this sincere straight forward man made me agree.
The wedding took place a month later. It was a simple ceremony with just a few close friends he considered family. I was still a little anxious and my mother’s parting words to me were “Child! All men are Bastards. Please be alert and take care of yourself. If you ever feel in your heart that he will cause pain to you ever destroy him before he destroys you. Somewhere in this Big wide world your father is still living a happy carefree life while I am dying every day cause I truly loved him. I agreed for this proposal because I just want you to be happy.”
Her words lasted in my mind for just a day as the minute I entered Sid’s home my monotonous colourless life took on a new meaning. My life changed overnight and transformed into a beautiful picture-perfect Fairy tale. He was my prince charming in every sense of the word.
I was carried away by the love, affection and adoration and respect showered on me by this quiet, kind-hearted man. He was there by my side like a shadow, helping me with my household chores, helped with the finances, gave me my space, always encouraging in all that I did. He was a Father Figure, a lover, Counselor and guides all rolled into one.
When my colleagues at work would grumble about their husbands and their annoying habits, I would smile politely as I had nothing to complain of. From the Cold I see MAiden I had changed into a calm, content happily married Woman. My Sid was neither a Womanizer nor an alcoholic nor a Gambler. He would be home on time, help me in setting the table and washing the dishes after dinner. We would discuss the day’s events and fall asleep in each other’s arms.
I had become totally dependent on this man and I was very very possessive too. If any colleague of his would a little too over-friendly at an office party there would be a quarrel that night. It couldn’t even be called a quarrel. Siddharth would just laugh off the matter, pull me into his arms and say, “I will never ever be unfaithful to you honey. The day you think I’ve been unfaithful just kill me. Love you to death.” And my world would turn perfect again. We were the perfect couple! Too perfect to be true!!!
In a fraction of a second, this perfect world of mine came tumbling down. It started and ended with the love letters I found in a box hidden in the attic. It was for Sid and all the letters started with Darling S… My Sweetheart S…Signed by a Woman named Saira. I tried to rack my memories trying to remember if it was a name that belonged to his workplace. No there was no Saira there. I was sure. I started to imagine why anyone would write love letters in this age of Cell phones, internet, emails and Skype. No wait! Maybe these were old letters that belonged to his college days. I checked the dates. I sat on the floor horrified. These letters were of recent origin, just a year old. I checked the from address.. it was from a tiny village in Rajasthan. It struck me then. Sid had been to this place a year ago with his close friends from work… Amit and Sam. They had camped there for a week and Sid had been very happy with the break that he had had from work. Now I realized the reason for his ecstasy.
I’ll ask him about the letters. I am sure my Sid has an explanation… the rational part of my mind told me. Another part of my heart was bleeding.
You are fooling yourself! He will deny it and one day when you wake up he would have abandoned you for another younger more attractive woman who’ll keep his bed warm. My mother’s words kept ringing in my head.
I knew what I had to do. I had to just spy on Sidand just make sure if I was right about this affair. Obviously I was too boring and too perfect a wife for him. As I went through the letters I realized that my existence was not even mentioned anywhere. He had pretended to be unmarried which meant he was serious about this relationship and it was not a fleeting affair.
The last letter spoke of their meeting scheduled on Sunday (that was tomorrow) at 10 A.M. at the Light House Park. As I crumpled the letter there were tears running down my eyes.
My Ego was damaged, More than the betrayal what hurt me most was Sid’s pretence of two years. He had looked pre-occupied and anxious from a couple of days but I just assumed it was work pressure. He was working on a new assignment. How wrong was I!!!
Enough was Enough. I would not let my life be ruined because of one wrong decision I had taken. MY life would be better off without any man in it. So what if it meant living alone and being lonely at least myself respect and sense of dignity would be intact. From the time Sid returned home I felt revulsion every time he touched me or spoke to me. But I pretended as if everything was alright between us.
I woke up on Sunday morning with a sense of doom and my heart sunk when Siddharth told me he had some pending work at the office. He never worked on Sundays. I nodded my head, he kissed me on my forehead and left. And then it all flashed in front of my eyes like a movie scene. There was Sid talking to Saira – a rustic beauty who could make any hot blooded man lose his senses. Something he told her made her burst into tears and the very next minute, my Sid who was no longer mine, pulled her into his arms and hugged her. Every part of my being he had loved, caressed and touched went numb forever.
I ran back home, stripped off my clothes and washed and scrubbed away at every inch of my body trying to erase the loving memories of our togetherness. I could tolerate anything but not betrayal from the one and only man I had given my heart body, mind and soul too.
He would pay and this very day!!!!!
And now here he was at my feet! Dead!!!!! Poor Saira! No one would reply to her letters anymore!!! I would get away with this murder somehow. My mother would help me! I will call her as soon as I place his body in the bedroom, I thought to myself.
As I placed his body on our bed I couldn’t help but notice the innocence on his face. “We could have been happy you ruined it,” I told him.
The doorbell rang. I opened it! It was Sam, Sid’s friend from work. He had come to get some letters of his which he had left with Sid.
My throat went dry. Before I could open my mouth Sam told me he was sorry. He had asked Sid not to disclose anything to anyone. Not even me. He was madly in love with a woman named Shiya, from Rajasthan. His orthodox Christian family was furious when he told them about his intentions to marry a Hindu girl. He had trusted Sid and had asked him to keep his love letters safe. Ha had promised the girl that he would meet her today and they would get married the same day. He could not gather the courage to face the girl and tell her that he did not have the courage to oppose his family and marry her. He had asked his best friend to break the news to her hoping she would understand.
Their love story was finished and so was mine all because of my poisoned heart.
This Story won the Forgotten Writer’s Foundation, Egypt contest held on the topic Women’s Domination in the year 2012.
RACHITHA POORNIMA CABRAL
ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
DEPARTMENT OF ENGLISH
SCHOOL OF SOCIAL WORK, ROSHNI NILAYA